references and before that

It's been a busy year… but I still planned and plotted how to shove something painful up that jolly old elf's fat white ass. The only way Dorris losing her job has affected my plans is that I had to get creative about the last few items on my list.
First off, out of a misplaced sense of fairness, I sent him a letter in November, warning him off. I was respectful, urging him to accept my offer of truce. We would make no more attempts to hijack his sleigh; he would simply ignore us for the rest of our days. His reply was short and sweet - "Fuck off." I saved the note because how often do you get a reply from the real Santa Claus - I figure to put it up on E-bay someday soon - it might help pay for repairs.
Expecting an answer along those lines, I had acquired ketamine (a powerful animal tranquilizer) and a lot of 12-gauge darts with which to apply same to reindeer… this is important, as I could not deal with the Jolly Ho if he escaped.
I'd gotten back in touch with an old college friend, who's now a geology professor at Pamuphgawot College in Georgia and asked him to find me some special ore.
Not being very fond of firearms in real life, I'd put off getting a shotgun and lessons in the use of same (or lessons more involved than 'point and shoot') until the very last minute, and it's those that I had to get a little creative about. I borrowed a shotgun from a friend, a pistol-gripped Ithaca pump-action .12 gauge, promising to return it in pristine condition. And I spent about a half-hour familiarizing myself with it at a friend's place out in the country. That would have to do.
So, Christmas Eve I'm laying in wait for the jolly old shithead, hidden under a blanket on my front porch. I'd like to say that I was all prepared and ready, sure of myself and my plan… but y'all know me, and that ain't the way it was. I was cold, I was real worried and quite a few times I considered just giving up on the whole damn thing and going to bed - I'd deal with whatever the fat bastard did when I woke up the next morning.
I wish I had.
The one saving grace was that I was too damn cold to go to sleep, so half-frozen but awake, I knew when he came in for a landing on our roof. The wind was out of the northwest and he'd come around into it, slowly and quietly gliding down to settle on the front side of our shingles.
The shotgun had five rounds before I had to reload, and I figured no matter what, provided I hit all five times, or even four, the remaining reindeer wouldn't be able to get the damn sleigh back into the sky for a retreat. And, wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, that's about how it worked out. I came spinning out from under the blanket, didn't trip, took aim and managed to tranq five reindeer. The remainder went positively bugshit, tried to take off, got up a few feet before the weight of the other five pulled them down in a crash to my roof.
Say hello to the new and totally unwanted skylight in our converted garage.
I reloaded the shotgun as fast as I could, because as expected, there was a big ol' red-and-white-suited elf with murder in his eyes on his way down to kick my ass from here to Bethlehem.
I take some pretty major satisfaction from what happened next.
Apparently, when you're used to elfin magic protecting your fat ass, a 12 gauge round of buckshot made from meteoric iron is a real rude goddamn surprise. He stood there, looking at me like I'd just grown three more heads and we were singing 'the Hallelujah Chorus' in a barbershop quartet arrangement.
So I said to him, "Cold iron… ain't it a bitch?" and fired off the only other such round I had.
He fell to the ground, and gasped out, "I should've accepted your truce."
While I was composing my big, bad, action-movie-style answer, I discovered a most unpleasant thing.
The Claus doesn't travel alone.
Elves… tiny toy-making elves… tiny, invisible-until-they're-kicking-your-ass, toy-making elves.
I faded in and out of consciousness for awhile, but I saw the five sleeping reindeer unharnessed, the Claus carried into his sleigh and it slowly making its way into the sky. Then I woke up in the hospital… having a shotgun removed from my ass… a shotgun whose barrel had been twisted like a candy cane.
Now I owe the hospital for medical services, and we don't have insurance. I owe Bobby a new shotgun. Even though no one has seen the deer since shortly after the police arrived, I've been charged with animal endangerment for putting livestock on my roof as well as for discharging firearms in the city limits. The neighbors are pissed, I've got an exceedingly sore ass and just this evening, while I was trying to find some measure of good cheer concerning the New Year, I got a phone call.
It was the jolly ho-elf, just five words - "It's not over between us."
Happy Fucking New Year!

"The Wrestler" courtesy of HBO - whoa... that's really bleak, really brilliant, really depressing. glad i watched it, glad they made it, will be glad to never watch it again... except... DAY-UM, Marisa Tomei looks good in this film... mostly naked... i believe the phrase i'm looking for is "I would hit that in a heartbeat". day-um... but back to the film - Mickey Rourke deserves every good thing said about him because of this film and more. recommended highly.

"Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus" on DVD - the title and the cast (Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas) just about say it all, don't they? complete and total excrement, but it was suitable to reorganize and dust dvd's to. anything more, like actually devoting a larger portion of my attention to it? that way lies madness... although Debbie Gibson/tentacle sex scenes keep popping into my mind for no discernable reason. only recommended if your mind can take the strain :)

"American Swing" on DVD - a documentary on the legendary late-70's-early-80's swing club, Plato's Retreat. the myths about this place fueled a LOT of teenage hormonal overdrive for me, and it was nice to find out that for a time, all the myths were true. but then people and money and the IRS got all a-tangled, the place lost its vision and became a pale, and tawdry, shadow of what it had been at its best. recommended for those of you who are interested.

"Jennifer's Body" on DVD - first off, imho, this is Nowhere Near as bad a film as critics made out. in fact, Dorris and i enjoyed it, it's a thoroughly twisted little horror movie. Megan Fox is hot, but still not as hot as Marisa Tomei (Lord, have mercy!), Amanda Seyfried does a wonderful job - overall, is it as good as "Juno"? depends on how good you thought "Juno" was... i liked it a lot, and i like this film, but comparing the two is almost apples and oranges.


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